Updated: Sep 11, 2020
i've dreamed many dreams.
my wedding. my future. my "grown up" years being a new wife & home-keeper .
all the wild adventures i would embark.
the sweet lives i'd impact and be impacted by.
all the beauty. all the wonder of the unknown.
but life is a wild ocean that cannot be tamed.
destiny refuses to be controlled & we don't decide how the waves will crash upon the rocks.
last weekend i was hit by a sneaker wave.
my husband & i were admiring the oregon coast beauty when i decided to scoot a little closer to the edge.
the waters seemed still and safe. nothing unusual.
when suddenly a thirty foot wave towered over me and threw me on the rocks.
a bleeding arm, scraped leg, and bruised ribcage later i realized-
the waves are circumstances.
the rocks are the present.
and my heart was my fragile little body being swept away.
the greatest weapon of the enemy is doubt.
doubt breeds fear.
fear kills faith.
and there is no intimacy without trust.
i have been a wife for 187 days.
it has been the most beautiful, challenging, humbling, gut-wrenching, difficult, yet glorious experience of my life.
to love another is the sheer essence of life.
and to be loved is the greatest gift of existence.
but my unceasing hunger for authenticity cannot conceal that sorrow & joy are parallel tracks that cannot exist without the other.
let's start at the beginning of the story.
i was the girl that dreamed of her wedding since she was two.
i knew the flowers i wanted, the dress i would wear, how the fairy lights would hang from the trees and the candles would nest whimsically in the leaves.
i would walk barefoot down the aisle. have a veil that touched the floor. and a flower crown in my hair.
countless nights were spent sitting on my balcony under the stars talking to Father about my future husband. his character, his passions, his heart....his love. Father promised me that he would give me nothing but a piece of his very own heart.
and so i dreamed.
i did not seek because i knew he would find me.
and i lived loving Jesus with all that i was because that was all that i knew to do.
but those who know me closely know that the year i fell in love with my husband was the same year my world fell apart.
i walked through aching pains of family trauma.
i lost all that was safe & known & steady.
i befriended a mystery man that i fell in love with from a distance.
like a puzzle, piecing his heart together into a tapestry of beauty.
there's a significant age gap between us & a chasm of differences.
but the Lord told me.
so i knew.
he was the one.
we both walked into a sacred covenant with Christ as our compass.
we had a small wedding.
it was nothing of what i imagined as a little girl.
there were tears mixed in with the rejoicing.
grieving with the celebration.
it was holy & the beginning of a story that would unravel (and is still unraveling) into something far more beautiful than we could imagine.
oh but was Jesus faithful.
to knit two souls as different as the moon is from the sun.
marriage is truly the greatest miracle.
and very different from my little-girl-dream.
because, you see, expectations are a facade of reality.
you can miss so much when you look at life through a lens of what you think it should be rather than accepting it for what it is.
Lord knows i have failed my sweet husband so many times. trying to squish him up in the box of my expectations rather than celebrating him for who he is.
this season has been full of bittersweet moments.
i have felt alone as a global pandemic isolated me into a small apartment.
i have felt discouraged as a pressing need for financial stability has given me less time for my passions because of longer hours at work.
i have felt scars open and reopen as i process through childhood wounds.
i have felt misunderstood by those closest to me.
disappointment has haunted my joy.
the temptation to doubt the goodness of the Father has crept in my prayer life.
the perfect life i planned for myself has turned into a blessed mess of unmet hopes, shattered fantasies, and a whole lot of facing the reality of my imperfect & flawed self.
which brings me here.
to my now. this present moment.
today i stood face to face with all my broken dreams.
i looked at every detail of my now and realized it is not at all what i thought it would be.
i questioned the Lord. wrestled with Him. wondered if He even heard me when i told him all i wanted.
i have secretly longed for the comfortable.
hoping to evade the character-shaping fires.
but, Jesus, easy never needed you.
but dare i miss the valleys that lead to the deepest growth?
dare i miss the story He is writing? the beauty He is crafting?
t h e c h a r a c t e r H e i s s h a p i n g ?
[ He will not waste our suffering ]
so today i look at all that my life is.
the dreams i thought i wanted.
the plans i made on my own terms.
and i surrender.
i remember that He is good.
that He knows me better than i know myself.
that He has never disappointed. He never misses a thing.
that Father is in tune with every last detail of my existence & He will see me through.
so unafraid, i go and stand at the edge of the cliff. facing the ocean of uncertainty. facing the waves of life's unknown.
once i was afraid of the storm.
but now i fear not.
because the One who is with me sleeps through the storm.
& i learn stillness in the chaos.
Father, teach me to dream. breathe into me your very thoughts, the deep desires of your heart, the holy mission you call me to. what i long for is you. what i need is you. my life is full when it is enveloped in your Presence & i come alive in your love. your ways are far more glorious than i could fathom. you work in the mystery. you move in the unseen. your miracles are birthed deep in the soil & they grow in my waiting. even the wilderness is full of life because you water it with the sweet waters of your joy. oh, but to be near you. to lay on your chest and hear the rhythm of your heartbeat. close is not close enough. i will never stop pursuing because there is no limit to you.
Father your will be done.
Spirit teach me as i walk.
Jesus be near me always.